Awareness hits me at seemingly odd times. I was picking a leaf of sage from a sage bush,asking for it's permission first, when granted, I selected a lovely leaf to smudge my home. I thanked the sage bush and sent love to it. As I was walking away, what I got was, "needing to fit in has robbed you of your authenticity."
Let's face it, anyone who knows me, pretty much knows I am not "normal." I was never meant to be "normal." I am someone who was always meant to cherish nature and luxuriate in it's presence, be it a flower, a rain shower, a forest, the sky, rocks, the sun or the ocean. I am someone who was meant to dance with the fairies my entire life. Not someone who has done so only on occassion and usually when no one was looking. I am someone who was meant to cry at a glorious sunset, someone who would rather talk to trees than people. I am someone who loves nature so much that I live in the "sticks" as they call it-- high in the mountains of Jamul.
I lived just outside of New York City and worked there for about 10 years and honestly, it almost killed me. At the time I had no idea that I avoided the subway, not just for obvious reasons, but because I needed to be outside. I needed to be in fresh air (not that there was much in that city!)and walking the 1-2 miles to work, more than I needed to be crammed in a tiny car with a hundred other people.
I am someone who jumps for joy when I see a dog, a bunny, a stand of trees or wild flowers. I am someone who was meant to live and speak from my heart my entire life, not spend 40 some years peeling away the chains around my heart.
I have been told most of my life that I am "too sensitive." I am someone who was meant to use my sensitivity to help myself and others. Thankfully I realized that I could not be as intuitive as I am without it and everyone has been trying to get me to be, well, different. For many of us it's uncomfortable to be around someone who cries when they are hurt or sad, someone who cries when you are hurt or sad, someone who is so full of joy sometimes that they can hardly stand it, someone who is present and alive in the moment. So I put on the mask of "normal," because I fit in better. People liked me better, or atleast I thought so. They only liked me when I acted how they wanted me to or did what they wanted me to.
I am finally giving myself permission to BE WHO I AM! It feels great to believe in me again. Not everyone is going to like it, there may be changes in my life, but I can no longer tolerate the pain of being what other people want and need me to be. I need to be what I need and want me to BE.
