Entering the Silence

My first silent retreat was truly amazing. Life changing actually, truly.

Day 1: When I finally got settled, set my intention and did the visualization I noted earlier, the journey began. It was only a few moments when my intuition carried through the message, “Welcome Home.” It was a powerful and tearful reunion. Shortly afterwards, I saw myself going down a deep and long tunnel. I have done things like this when going on an “other” world kind of journey. Usually you are guided by someone, a healer, who is with you, I guess I was too, only my guide was silent. Once down there I saw a crystal skull on a tall stick. It was the first of 13 crystal skulls, each of which represent one of the 13 Original Clan Mothers. The skull turned a bright orange and I felt a jolt in my body. And then I was off.

I was a little restless because there were terrible storms for the first 2 days, that did not let up and I was pretty much captive inside for that time. Rain, sleet, hail, wind, snow, thunder, more rain. I was really tired and couldn’t wait to indulge in a long very hot bath. I lit a couple of candles and drew a bath. I think I was in there for about 2 hours. It was pure heaven. I am a bather and I don’t have a bath tub right now, so I was over due.

I spent some time starting a journal, I had a couple of magazines in the car and looked at pictures that were inspirational. I thought it would be okay since I wasn’t “reading”. I pasted them down and started writing, but I wasn’t happy with it. I have always wanted to do “art journaling”, but couldn’t really get started. I really loved the colors and textures of this one picture of a chocolate pudding sundae with bright hot pink raspberries on pink fabric. The fabric had embroidered spirals on it. It really drew me to it.

Then I made a big pot of nourishing lentil soup, ate and went to bed.

Day 2: I woke up excited to be in this lovely mountain home with this time for myself. And then some thoughts about my ex-husband came to me. How he broke my heart and that my heart was still in pieces from it. It’s been 18 years since we were separated, 17 I have been divorced. I instinctually went into forgiveness, of him, but also of myself.

I looked at my journal and decided it was time to add some color. My journal was not a water color paper journal, but I got out my water colors, and carefully started painting some shapes and color for background. Then I put on some music (without words) and danced ecstatic dance for 30 -40 minutes. Then moved right into yoga and the pain associated with my heart break came out on my mat.

I remembered that, this month’s Clan Mother, Talk With Relations, is about all of our relations, including with ourselves. She was working with me or perhaps on me, not sure which. I let the energy run it’s course, did more forgiveness and gratitude work. It left me feeling uplifted instead of wiped out, as I normally feel after something like this. I decided to settle into another long hot healing bath.

I did some writing in my journal, added more color and started to unwind and loosen up artistically. It was fun! Then it started snowing and I became really excited. You don’t get much snow in Southern California. So I went out and wrote some notes in the snow, like “I love U” except with a heart instead of the word love and I couldn’t help myself, I sent it to my fiancé, Reed, in a picture message on my phone. Then another that said, “Love from snowy SD”, and sent it to Reed’s daughter Alexis, and to my sisters. It was so much fun I was giggling. I kept giggling, until my giggler was sore. It was the snow and the fact that I was sending them a message, and that they couldn’t communicate with me. (I turned my phone off.)

Then I started a valentine to myself about my ex husband. Somehow in the process I broke free from my artistic inhibitions. I found my creative voice. It was exhillerating! I was very tired and couldn’t sleep. I was drawing, coloring or thinking about it. I was up in the middle of the night for a couple of hours, drawing. Then I started a piece about my silent retreat and another art piece. So much fun, energy and passion in them. They aren’t colored yet, but when they are (which will be soon), I will post pictures.

Day 3: I couldn’t stop working on my art pieces and spent a long time designing a font for the front of my journal. I was particularly driven. When the drawings and the font were finished, I took my last long hot bath of my retreat and a short nap. Then I took a nice walk around since the weather was mostly hospitable. The rain had stopped and the sun was poking it’s head out from time to time. Shortly afterwards, it was time to pack up, clean up and go home. I had mixed feelings about going home, but it was time. I could feel the energy coming to a close, so that let me know.